Studies show that children who are spoiled grow up as adults who are faced with depression, anxiety substance abuse and suicide.
If you are not sure, go over the checklist. Is your child:
- rude to you and other adults
- throwing tantrums when they do not get what they want
- not helpful in household chores
- trying to control you and other adults
- not sharing with others by age 4
- disobedient unless you beg or bribe
- ignoring you the moment you say No
- too dependent of you
Children are not born mean or spoiled. They grew up spoiled because of over-indulgence by parents.
Australian Psychologist and parenting expert, Dr. Michael Carr-Gregg said that many “parents had made their children’s lives so easy that the kids were left with no way to handle problems or overcome obstacles on their own.”
This parent attitude, although admirable, does not only spoil the child but also cause their child to be “ill equipped to deal with their own problems” when they grow older.
If you really want what is best for your child, then stop spoiling them now:
Correct Your Behaviour
As soon as you realise that your child is becoming spoiled, stop and correct your parenting style.
Figure out the following with your partner:
- Who – figure out who in the family is spoiling the child? Is it you, your partner, maybe a relative or everyone?
This step is not meant to point fingers at anyone but to be able to help zero in on the problem. If you are not the one spoiling your child and someone else does, then that means you need to have a talk with that person and plan ways to lessen over-indulgent behaviours.
If, on the other hand, you are the one spoiling your kid, then your plan should be more directed for you than anyone else. May be you can enlist the help of your partner to check your progress as well as overindulging your child may already be part of your habit too.
- What and How – find out in what ways your child is spoiled. Is your child showered with many material things? Does your child get to eat only what he/she wants? Or are rules easily bendable at home to appease tantrums?
List all those things so you can deal with them one by one.
- Why – realise why the behaviour of over-indulgence is present. What is the motivation? Is guilt playing a role?
As soon as we understand where the over-indulging behaviour comes from we would be able to address that and hopefully undo it.
Consistent, Clear and Concise Rules
Child development experts would often tell us to set rules at home. Children thrive in a secure environment that they can only get when rules are consistent, clear and concise.
Consistent
Rules should be constant rather than ever changing.
If you are having a hard time being consistent, look back at the rules you have at home. Are they sometimes contradicting each other? If they are, go back to the drawing board and make sure your rules do not contradict.
Write the rules like guidelines for your child’s behaviour not as a way to control them.
If your rules are already great but it is still hard to stay consistent, then it may mean that you usually give in to your child’s whining and wailing because it is easier or you just can’t bear it. Either way, always remember that that your primary goal is not to prepare your child for the real world.
They may “hate” you now for saying “No” but it will pass, they will get over it. But, it would be hard to get over being spoiled.
Clear
Make your rules clear and let your child know about them. It may help to post pictures and other reminders of your rules to your child so you do not have to nag about it every time.
Concise
Young children have very short attention span so if you want to correct behaviour avoid long explanations. Instead, use plain, short sentences of what you want your child to do (or stop doing) and show them how you expect them to act.
Stop giving threats because really, they do not understand that concept very well just yet. Using threats on them just teaches them about it and how to expertly use it on you.
Consequence of Actions
Stop overprotecting your child from every little thing.
Children need to experience different things in order to help themselves create the necessary skills they will need when they are older. This includes experiences that may be difficult or uncomfortable but remember your own childhood; some of the best learning you got was through those experiences.
Of course, this does not mean you will totally abandon all caution – it simply means that you need to find a balance between being too controlling and too lax.
Children need to:
- be able to find out for themselves the consequence of their own actions
- solve their problems on their own first
- develop intrinsic motivation to succeed
If we keep on dealing with all obstacles for our children instead of letting them figure it out, they will not be able to have all those understanding about themselves and the world.
So toughen up. If your child can deal with it, let him/her. They may whine and cry but in the end, they will thank you for teaching them to be resilient and to be independent.
Besides, shouldn’t you not proud of the things they can do even without you?
Consumerist Behavior
We fall victim to this all the time. We work to make money and so we sometimes do not have time to spend for our children. We feel guilty so we spend the money to buy them toys and every material thing we find to show them we love them.
But if we continue to do this we are sending the wrong message. We are telling our children that we can only show love through material gifts and the moment those gifts stop coming, we do not love them anymore.
Imagine a child who grows up lavished by material things. Either the parents get into deep debt to continue this behaviour or the child will grow up with the wrong idea about money, wealth and self worth.
Your love for your child will never be the same as the material gifts you give.
Not does your child’s worth equal to any material thing.
Instead of buying gifts, try to spend more time with your children. Make the little time you spend with them each day meaningful by really tuning in with them.
Schedule your work engagements well and as much as possible open weekend only for your family.
Also, let your child understand why you work. Make it a lesson about money and finance – your child would benefit from that too.
Commit to Your Goal
The moment you turn around to stop your over-indulging attitude, do it all the way. If you feel beat, continue on. Remember, things do not magically change overnight.
- Take it slow
Again, things do not change overnight or in a day or a week. Turning things around will need a change from you and your partner. It can mean changing a habit, a perception of how parenting should be, or ridding of guilt feelings, or all of it. You both have to be devoted to it or else it will become a flop.
Additionally, if the child is used to getting things her way, expect more wailing and whining on her part. Be firm but gentle, stay cool and patient. I know it is easier said than done but try because you know in your heart, this is for the best.
- Make a plan
Because you cannot change things overnight, list the things where you want to see a change in your child and change it one at a time.
- Focus on values
What values do you think are important for your child to learn? Focus on these values and help your child learn it.
Moreover, think of your own values and attitudes. Check if it goes with the values you want your child to imbibe. Remember, young children follow the lead of their parents and important adults in their lives. It would be no use to teach them the value of using polite words if we are not using polite words too.
- Play more
Play offers a safe place for a child to explore and practice the things he/she learns.
Allow more time for your child to play with you and to socialise with other children as well.
- Age appropriate
Young children do not really understand that things are done for their good in a way that adults do so always remember when you are trying to get a child do something:
- Give a choice between two things – it is either both are good choices and either way you “win” or one choice is obviously the best choice. This way the child feels that he/she had the option and was not forced to do something
- Use facial expressions, body language and a tone of voice that show children you are serious and that rules are non-negotiable.
- Ignore tantrums – as long as the child is not going to get hurt, do not give in the child’s wants. Do not shout or fight. Just stay calm, it too shall pass.
The moment your child realises you are serious about the rules there will be less tantrums in and out of the house.
People always warn us that marriage is hard but sometimes, parenting is even harder.
The Authoritative approach in parenting is still the best kind of parenting so far. To be authoritative means to have that balance of giving tough love discipline while still being warm and responsive to our children.
At the end of the day, we know that all we do for our children is out of our love for them.
Do what is best. Keep calm and parent on.
Special thanks to Dionna Baggaley for the main image.
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